My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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