I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
