dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
