Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
