how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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