I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
