Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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