I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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