Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
