I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize