i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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