Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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