saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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