This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
