I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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