Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
