1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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