Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
