Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
