Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
