I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
