Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
