Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
