Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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