Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
