Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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