that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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