you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
