best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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