I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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