if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
