I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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