turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize