so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
