Umm I'm too high to move.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
