somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
