I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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