Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
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