Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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