In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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