there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
