Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
