hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
