how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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