Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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