fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
