I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
