her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
time to smoke my breakfast
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
