I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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