i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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