you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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