Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
