Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
