I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
