community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
