just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My feet surprised me
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
