you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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