I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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