Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
